Yeah, yeah we all have ears but do we know how to use them? EARS is a counciling center here at Cornell where students can come in on a non-regular basis, to speak with someone just to be heard when the are having a problem. E= empathy, A = assistance, R= referential, S= service. Wendy Camergon, a Human Development major from Cornell will begin here senior year this fall. She is a trainer for EARS program counselors.
Today in my afternoon seminar she came in as a gust speaker demonstrated good listening tactics. People want someone to listen to them when they speak especially when they are trying to convey a problem. These are some of the qualities a great listener has, Understanding, Genuine, Respectful, Esteem, Empathy, and non- Judgemental. This are external attributes of a great listener but external one count as well. It is much easier for a person to continuing expressing themselves and talk when the person listening to them is relaxed, open, leans forward to show engagement, keeps eye contact,remains silent, is encouraging, carrys a moderte tone of voice if speaking.
It's important not to turn to automatically giving advise, and rather let the person try to find a solution to their own problem. It's crucial to not turn the conversation to you, the listener because it sidetracks the person who is having the issue from their own ideas and thoughts. Sometimes when someone expresses that they are having a problem, its almost automatic for someone to respond to that person " Me too!", or " I know what you're going through."
This is an example of turning the conversation away from the other person.
Key phrases to stay away from are "It''ll be OK ,or it's not a big deal." These terms can be offending and in some cases of sign of lacking care or understanding. Instead of using those phrases an empathy statement is the perfect substitute, kind of like splenda you don't get the harsh calories from the sugar but you still get the same wanted sweetness. Empathy Statements Used sound like this, It sounds like you're feeling ______ because________ which is important to you becasue_____. In the first blank goes the feeling, second the content and third the value. So next time someone wants to seriously talk give them your Ears!
WENDY
Cornell & Brown Depart
8 years ago
2 comments:
WOW!
Sounds like you were paying attention, Wendy. It also sounds like a great program. I think we could all use something like that just around the neighborhood.
The way it usually works is that if you buy the guy next to you a beer, he'll listen for a few minutes before he goes off on his own tangents and tries to tell you about his own problems.
These concepts you mentioned: "Understanding, Genuine, Respectful, Esteem, Empathy, and non- Judgemental."--they really don't go along with the bar mate as a listening post. I like your system better and it's probably a lot cheaper than buying someone $20 worth of beer just to listen to you.
Wendy,
Can I publish your comments in the etree? Would love to share with the public what you are learning. So many in our little town would do well to listen to you students.
Tammy Campbell
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